Heartbreak

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but me and my boyfriend of two years, three months, and ten days (yeah, long time, I know) broke up. I haven't dated a lot of guys (and of those, none were serious), but he was special. We're pretty much polar opposites, he's quite, I'm loud, he has a couple close friends, and I try to be friends with anyone, he did one thing through high school which took up one say after school, I do three or four different things, and am constantly busy. We started dating when he was a senior and I was a freshman. It's kind of weird how we met (and started talking)...through our best friends (I liked his best friend, and my best friend liked him). We both went into our relationship, not very seriously, but as time went by we realized how well we worked together.
He never tried in school, and neither did I. Except that I got all A's and he got B's, C's, and D's. Learning came very naturally to me. I encouraged him to really work for something in life, because the road he was traveling down was not going to get him anywhere. He listened to me. He attended a community college and majored in nursing, something he really enjoyed. He struggled in his classes, but was able to maintain a 3.0.
It was hard for both of us with him at a different school, and only getting to see each other once or twice a week. We made it work. We talked every night on the phone, and that was good enough for us.
Soon after we started dating, I started loosing friends. I wanted to spend all my time with him. He's was sweet and nice and sympathetic, and basically treated me like a princess. I began to take everything for granted. In the first six months, there was a guy who gave me lots of attention, and I liked it. I began talking to him, and the line between friends and (...I don't know what you'd call it...) friendlier (?) became a little hazy. This was the first bad thing that happened that we made it through.
He's always had trust and emotional attactment issues, and sometimes I found our relationship overwhelming. I'd always wonder what it'd be like to date another guy. Sometimes I found myself noticing other guys, but never enough to want to break up with him. I loved him. (I still love him).
We broke up yesterday because our differences were becoming too much for the two of us...we actually broke up last week and I realized I was making a huge mistake. I was just getting to frustrated and too tired of giving him more chances. Yesterday, he was the one to do it. He removed me as a friend on Facebook, and told me not to call him...I still have all our pictures and I slept with the stuffed animals he bought me. I don't know if I want to move on. He was my first love.
Yesterday, before we broke up, my dad talked to me about our realtionship. He liked my boyfriend and said that he just didn't think I was happy as I could be. I didn't think I was either. He really put things into perspective for me. So, I called my boyfriend, and things ended, not badly, but not good either. He doesn't want me to call him, because he can't deal with it. I keep wanting to talk to him and tell him to take me back (for the second time...he said he wouldn't take me back the second time). Even though it's been a day, I keep feeling like I should've waited it through. I'm not going to say what I was going to wait through, but I knew things could get better.
I think I'm a coward, and I think I'm going to be the happiest with him. I will wait and see if there's any boys who make me forget about him, but somehow I doubt it. He gave me a $260 necklace after we'd been dating for two months (for Christmas) and a $150 ring for our one year and $200 earrings for our two year. I still have them. He has my Harry Potter book, and a bunch of other things I gave him. I have his dad's old cell phone batery and two of his old sweatshirts. I still have all our pictures up on my bookshelf.
I really think this is a huge mistake. My dad said that he never pictured me with one guy, espically so seriously and commited at the age of sixteen. He's twenty (I know it sounds bad, but it's really not, anyone who's seen us together can vouch for me) and he's ready for a commited realtionship and to get married. I didn't think I was. I mean, I did for a long time, but just recently I was beginning to question it. Now, I don't...It's too late though. He won't answer if I call, and probably won't take me back if I beg. I think I'm gonna wait a while and see if I'm happy, but I think I'll always be the happiest with him. I know, I know, there's other fish in the sea, and I know I'm too young for commitment.
Him and me have been through so much that no one could understand it except for us. Even if I told them everything, it's something you just "get." Something you get when you're in love. As stupid as it is (and I know it is) he planned his future around me, and I, him. I don't think it was stupid, because we both really thought we were going to end up together, I hope we still might. Everyone's telling me "It's okay" and to "Just wait awhile" and that "Things will get better." But I don't feel like they will. I know, I KNOW! It's only been a day! I know! But I feel empty and in shock. I didn't even cry until today. Usually, I'll go home and call him, and we'll talk about our day. Today, I can't go home and call him. I wish I could, but I can't.
There's so many things I told him wrong, and I wish I could tell him that, but it's not possible. I told him to call me someday...I hope he does. I really think I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And it took loosing him twice for me to realize it. I wish I could tell him all of it, but he probably couldn't handle everything that happened.

Lonely and confused...
that's how I feel...and I feel like I'm going to feel like that for a long, long time.


I still love him...and I think I always will...